| | I've been on xanga for 5 years and my blogs have thinned. I don't know if I should continue or not.
You know what....something interesting happened when I came to cali and I graduated. And I am starting to understand just WHAT happened and WHY my reaction to it caused me to change, a kind of 180 degrees in terms of personality.
I perceived that graduating...getting a B.S., mean not that I HAD to suddenly grow up, but that I WAS grown up. *Snap*...like that, and then I'm an adult. No use for dreams, naivety, or any of the creative thinking that I'd come to wrap myself around. Gone were the days of thinking that I would BE or DO something important and here were the days of the doldrums toiling in a tiny office or lab with no escape. The onset of a carreer but also a clipping of wings and a loss of creativity. No more room for childish ruminations or flights of fancy, instead only things that mattered.
So I kind of rebelled...cultivating, for myself, an almost extreme version of my younger self. Essentially a different person that I could slip into in order to connect with those younger than me and effectively escape the toils of my extremely boring adult life. But now I'm understanding the consequences of said person. As he does not put too much thought into basic respect and into the consequences of his actions, seeing things too simply. It is weird because, for a time, I began not just to ACT like him but THINK like him. Becoming extremely elated at times, but deeply confused at certain peoples' negative reactions. But deep down I understood...always...
You know I think ALOT. Maybe this is pompous of me to beleive this, but most certainly more than most. I purposely don't hold strong beleifs which makes my ideas really difficult to defend, but I still spend a lot of time carefully cultivating them. When not preoccupied with an impending physics problem, and outside the presence of an attractive woman ( brain function decreases with the inverse square of distance times attractiveness...like coulombs law...) I divide my deductive energy between 3 things: how people work and the meaning of being human, how I can better relate with them (especially how to get someone to fall in love with me), and the general workings of the universe. I won't state concretely if or how I assign an importance to each subject I ponder, just that I do ponder them.
The first has, of late, become very difficult, because my social situation is so different. I'm older, with different expectations responsibilities but also freedom, yet everyone else is younger and more obvlivious to the world outside of california. How do such people work, and how do I achieve and interact with them??? This is the first situation where I have to room to beleive in myself, and be confident in who I am and what I stand for, but ATM I'm choosing to eschew that in favor of being open to other Ideas. Is this correct? Does humility come at the cost of confidence? Or is it a necessary part of it? People have different priorities here. It has become VERY apparent that the economy here is much more alive than in certain parts back east (Sans of course the MAJOR population centers such as new york). What is more, the idea of being Financially independent is much less important to most than it is to me. That is really a nice way of saying a lot of people are supported by parents and family, than me who laments in the fact that everything I currently pay for is done with money I currently earn. However, this puts me in a much more frugal situation with very little reason why (because I don't want to flaunt said independence). As such a fiend myself, more often than not, being the needy one, especially with regards to transportation. Finally the culture is so different in many ways. In cali the geeky are REALLY geeky, almost disgustingly so, and those that aren't are almost oblivious. I find I most converse about more apparent and pertinent things rather than delve deeply into shared interests. Too some extent it seems that the eccentricism that I was easily able to find over east is looked down on here. I wonder than, if I make some of my loves and hobbies more apparent, will people be intrigued or uninterested? Perhaps I shall try.
In truth, it is becoming tiring sacrificing portions of myself to connect with people, and I don't think it is working in the way I want it to. Many people MANY, like me, some don't. But I feel as though there is so much inside that they don't know, and I'm afraid to tell them because it will make me too different. I'm already different, my speach, thoughts, hopes, desires, attire, occupation, ethinicity, musical taste, hobbies, philosophy, age, upbringing, hometown, and even style of walking are something NO ONE I KNOW comes close to having. I do not tell people this...not often. But I pay an EXTREMELY high price for my uniqueness. It causes me to live a life unwanted solitude, and to be forever misunderstood. And it seems that there is no solution. No escape. And the best I can do is try to find happiness when I can. But can such a paradigm change? Do I even deserve to have it?
I'm not sure.
Questions questions. Life is full of them and when you answer one a million more pop up that are impossible. To those that take joy in solving problems this is like a smorgasborg, but to those that desire answers, this is a kind of hell.
Funny because I love to solve problems and love to get answers...but I'm not a masochist.
Just a conundrum
Will you grock me in wholeness and fullness?
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| | Posted 4/18/2009 4:06 AM - 24 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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