| | Not real blog.
Will expand later.
Two wishes.
Big small.
Smaller than a wisper.
More grandiose than the milky way.
Why do things seem so beautiful when they are far away?
Maybe not.
Not to self.
My daydreams are too tragic.
Am I too nice
Too romantic?
Note to self
expand later
Goodbye.
Good night
But I will not sleep.
Edit: Stuff I know I won't remember.
I've been having this nagging feeling lately, and I just came accross away of explaining it. I think I feel dead, or at least as in some sort of afterlife. Now I know this may sound grim, but I see it in a different way.
I have not been here long and so much has changed. New friends, new settings, new life.
However I realize that, what has been nagging me so much is my disconnection with my old life. It seems that everyone I've ever known has been lost to some abyess, and if it wasn't for facebook, I'll never keep in touch with them. Yet in the same sense, there is still this imprint of my old life. I.E. my memories and experiences are still with me. I still have old thoughts and feeling that in some senses overtake my current perceptions. So while everything has in a sense rebooted, gone back to 0. I am still whole.
The kicker, right now, is that my new life is so much like my old. Being a physics grad student isn't all that much different from the last years of undergrad. I guess because their both mindnumbingly intense. So it feels as though I'm in the same world I should have left. Perhaps the best way of explaining this is that it is almost as if I'm living in my own past but with a different setting...like I jumped dimensions.
Which is why I feel dead. So often...to often, am I finding myself coming to situations I've done before, or people I've already met...even if, in reality, they are completely new. So much is not surprising, and I can see everything coming. I'm not saying this is a bad thing. I'm like a character in a movie he's already seen. I guess the big question is, does said character change the ending to fit his wishes or realize that all of his actions will move him, inexorably, to a fate that is set in stone? Also, what then happens when said movie ends?
Maybe that's when I'll be born.
I actually laughed out loud to that one, or maybe its because I got a chance to use the word "inexorably".
On a side note.
Shauni Shauni, I'm dissapointed in you. I'm starting to think you like me too much, or too little. I feel I must tell you something, though I know you don't know who you are...as much as I wish you did. Anyway, I came across a realization. One of the reasons you are so special is that we will spend a considerable amount of time together, and we're both at a point in our lives when things will change very quickly. So please, I urge you...Don't push me away or pull me too close. I'm too complicated. Like a quantum particle, if you hold me tightly in one spot, you'll never know which way I'll go next. Just know that I'll be there when you spread your wings, and that's what matters. Anyway...this will be the last time I adderss you directly. It's kind of against policy--like an author talking to his characters.
EDIT:
One more thing...Shauni. You are helping me understand what confidence is. I think the trick is to actually beleive you have it. Why is it so hard for me to grok that?
....
Always longer than I expect.
You know there are people that earn money doing this?
Anyway I won't properly close.
Remember there are things I must expand on.
The next entry will be more coherent... like a laser beam.
Oh
Note to self
Obama == sigma (m,n): A_0 + (A_m)Hype + (A_n)Hope
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| | Posted 11/12/2008 3:51 AM - 2 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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