|
| As I become more and more in love with the human condition, I am less and less spiritual....
I am finding that everything that we define to be human can be rationalized by our condition. We love to create a child, feel anger to justify being defensive, and pain to know when we are truly hurt. It is weird, but humans are making more sense. Actually no, I will not say that. Rather, I'm more confident that there is a reason for us being the way we are.
Which makes me wonder about having a soul. Because a soul, by definition, is not tied by our physical presence. Which makes me wonder, when we are gone, and our soul remains... what is it? There are so many, chemicals and endorfins that make us behave and act the way we do...what would be like if not bound by them?
Would it be worth it? A love without pain or pleasure? OR...would there be some kind of clarity, that mortals are just not privvy too.
I'm not sure.
I can't help but wonder though...
While I'm on the subject. I was just thinking. I'm not more than seven years old. Or rather, my bones aren't. Maybe i'm getting my bio all wrong, but my body refreshes itself continually, constantly rebuilding and repairing tissue. This would mean that, by definition, the stuff I was born with is not what I am currently made of. There are pieces of me (or former me) scattered throughout the world. It could be anything. A rock, some sand, eskimo piss...anything!
In essence, my physical incarnation is not just bound by this world...it is this world. By that reasoning...so is everything that is alive.
]
But not are we made of everything.
We are constantly changing. Always moving forward being constantly shaped by our experiences and our condition. What would be like without those rules? Without said condition? Is that what a soul is.
Then again maybe not.
I wish I had a profound reason for wondering this, but it is really me just being dissapointed with being hetero again...
HAha Everytime I think it, a quoute from physcho mantis (the enigmatic second boss of Metal Gear Solid) comes to mind.
"I've searched the minds of every living human in the world and I find the same thing. We are all only driven by the desire to pass on our DNA"
| | |
| You know sometimes I think it is very obvious that god is quirky.
When you look at the night sky the brightest most visible objects are never stars--they are planets. IF anything they are pirating light from our sun. What is worse is that they move in odd patterns, not obeying the rules that other celestial bodies do. It is almost as if they are elitist, feeling as though that because they not like the rest, they need not to obey convention.
Ever since I played Mass Effect, I am thinking more about the sky. I am most tickled that there is no boundry. Between us an it. If I could jump with all of the force of a several megaton explosion, I could reach saturn, jupiter, or maybe just a trip around neptune. And yet it is all so far away. Out of reach. What is more is that we really don't know what it is out there. Astonomy has taught me that. Several thousand years of constant observation and I have little and little Idea of this thing that is constantly above our heads each night.
I find it odd that is so empty and yet so perfect. Tell me something. Why is that planets form as a byproduct of stars, creating the perfect santuary for life, or that celestial bodies move in graviational fields that drop off as the inverse square of their distance--making ideal conditions for stable orbits. It is almost as if this universe was created to harbor this planet in its current condition, and everything else is just a byproduct. I should tell the other planets that.... That, despite their defiance against other heavenly objects, we reside on the most perfect little emerald sphere... in its endless waltz.
Oh and mars is such a has been.
Actually pluto is cool too. | | |
| Yes cliche'd huh. But, given that it is something I think about, I want to get the bloody thing out of my head.
But I don't want it to be boy meets girl. No I hate those. I think they give the false impression that love is both predestined and guaranteed.
I want it to be about a boy that is just really stupid. So stupid that he beleives that he is fated to find "the one". But since it is a story its nothing but fate, right? So it follows she appears in the first scene. Hell, lets make her drop from the sky. Maybe literally, maybe not. But since it is not boy meets girl, she doesn't see or notice him. Maybe she is color blind and he is all green, or fate smiles to one person at a time. But there will be no meeting in this story. Still his love for her will blossum. It will grow and grow and grow like a bloody oak tree.
He'll discover something. Something that proves that she is his one and only, because after a period of indifference, I'm sure he would doubt. He'll discover he is cursed. Cursed to live her memories. Everything he touches or somehow comes into contact with (ingest perhaps?), will throw him into her past. If he touches her old daipers he'll get to see her being borm, be right there when she comes out all cute and squishy headed. He'll be there for her at ever stage of her life. He'll see her at her graduation...all of them. He'll throw the first baseball she hits. He'll even watch her eyes tear when her first crush calls her a poopey face and says girls are icky.
Every time he'll fall more and more in love. Not because of some poorly natured infatuation, but because he knows her better than any other person. He knows exactly why she is special. He knows all of her fears, hopes, and dreams. And he does everything he can for he. If she wants to be the first women in major league baseball he'll point her out to the manager of the new york yankees. If she wants a house by the sea shore, he'll build it himself. Heck if she wants to be bloody president he'll campaign his heart out. But over time he'll come to realize that there is a reason he fell in love with someone so amazing, and why he lives in her memories. Time will pass to the point that his whole life will be a memory, and he will understand more and more who he is. He'll realize that extraordinary things happen only when fate wants them to, and mostly to people in stories. He will see that the story is reaching its climactic finale. Finally he'll understand his place in it, figuring out why she never seems to notice him. And, in his final moments, he'll know what he was truly meant for and what he must do.
A truly engaging love story.
But it is not boy meets girl
Good night. I think there is a reason that I'm not a writer. | | |
| There is a friend that I used to have. He is someone that I grew up with, and in truth I've known him as long as I can remember. He knew me better than anyone., actually a little weird.
But in the past couple of years things have changed. You know how it is. People change...another consequence of being human I suppose. I just never thought I'd see this person. There were promises we made as a child....he broke them. There were secrets we only shared between us...he did not keep them. And there were our dreams. How I missed those. I remember we'd used to look up, sometimes sipping tea and gummy bears, and just talk about the world. We would envision our futures and the adventures we would have. It seemed, during those times, that we could do almost anything...as long as remained friends.
But we're not. And those dreams, as bright and colorful as they were, became real. That is not to say that they went away. For if you clutch something tight enough, even something as ethereal as a dream, it will always be in your possesion. Still I see clearly, and what used to be fanciful is unpractical. Perhaps that is why we do not speak anymore. I think he couldn't accept that, only living in his own world, and why that is why...as hard as I search, I cannot find him. Our minds just don't work the same, maybe I'm too progressive.
Have you figured it out? Who this person is? Why we were so close, and, as I changed became so distant. We've drifted so far that an ocean lies in between us. This person who I think about everyday, and try so hard to think like and be like just so I can find out where he has gone? I'll give you a clue. If you knew him, you knew me, and vice versa. I don't think we've ever been apart...even to this day. Still I don't know if I'll ever find him again, and I miss him more and more. But it is a funny thing missing yourself.
Yup that my friend. The one I cherished so, and thought I'd never lose...is Me. | | |
| I've been on xanga for 5 years and my blogs have thinned. I don't know if I should continue or not.
You know what....something interesting happened when I came to cali and I graduated. And I am starting to understand just WHAT happened and WHY my reaction to it caused me to change, a kind of 180 degrees in terms of personality.
I perceived that graduating...getting a B.S., mean not that I HAD to suddenly grow up, but that I WAS grown up. *Snap*...like that, and then I'm an adult. No use for dreams, naivety, or any of the creative thinking that I'd come to wrap myself around. Gone were the days of thinking that I would BE or DO something important and here were the days of the doldrums toiling in a tiny office or lab with no escape. The onset of a carreer but also a clipping of wings and a loss of creativity. No more room for childish ruminations or flights of fancy, instead only things that mattered.
So I kind of rebelled...cultivating, for myself, an almost extreme version of my younger self. Essentially a different person that I could slip into in order to connect with those younger than me and effectively escape the toils of my extremely boring adult life. But now I'm understanding the consequences of said person. As he does not put too much thought into basic respect and into the consequences of his actions, seeing things too simply. It is weird because, for a time, I began not just to ACT like him but THINK like him. Becoming extremely elated at times, but deeply confused at certain peoples' negative reactions. But deep down I understood...always...
You know I think ALOT. Maybe this is pompous of me to beleive this, but most certainly more than most. I purposely don't hold strong beleifs which makes my ideas really difficult to defend, but I still spend a lot of time carefully cultivating them. When not preoccupied with an impending physics problem, and outside the presence of an attractive woman ( brain function decreases with the inverse square of distance times attractiveness...like coulombs law...) I divide my deductive energy between 3 things: how people work and the meaning of being human, how I can better relate with them (especially how to get someone to fall in love with me), and the general workings of the universe. I won't state concretely if or how I assign an importance to each subject I ponder, just that I do ponder them.
The first has, of late, become very difficult, because my social situation is so different. I'm older, with different expectations responsibilities but also freedom, yet everyone else is younger and more obvlivious to the world outside of california. How do such people work, and how do I achieve and interact with them??? This is the first situation where I have to room to beleive in myself, and be confident in who I am and what I stand for, but ATM I'm choosing to eschew that in favor of being open to other Ideas. Is this correct? Does humility come at the cost of confidence? Or is it a necessary part of it? People have different priorities here. It has become VERY apparent that the economy here is much more alive than in certain parts back east (Sans of course the MAJOR population centers such as new york). What is more, the idea of being Financially independent is much less important to most than it is to me. That is really a nice way of saying a lot of people are supported by parents and family, than me who laments in the fact that everything I currently pay for is done with money I currently earn. However, this puts me in a much more frugal situation with very little reason why (because I don't want to flaunt said independence). As such a fiend myself, more often than not, being the needy one, especially with regards to transportation. Finally the culture is so different in many ways. In cali the geeky are REALLY geeky, almost disgustingly so, and those that aren't are almost oblivious. I find I most converse about more apparent and pertinent things rather than delve deeply into shared interests. Too some extent it seems that the eccentricism that I was easily able to find over east is looked down on here. I wonder than, if I make some of my loves and hobbies more apparent, will people be intrigued or uninterested? Perhaps I shall try.
In truth, it is becoming tiring sacrificing portions of myself to connect with people, and I don't think it is working in the way I want it to. Many people MANY, like me, some don't. But I feel as though there is so much inside that they don't know, and I'm afraid to tell them because it will make me too different. I'm already different, my speach, thoughts, hopes, desires, attire, occupation, ethinicity, musical taste, hobbies, philosophy, age, upbringing, hometown, and even style of walking are something NO ONE I KNOW comes close to having. I do not tell people this...not often. But I pay an EXTREMELY high price for my uniqueness. It causes me to live a life unwanted solitude, and to be forever misunderstood. And it seems that there is no solution. No escape. And the best I can do is try to find happiness when I can. But can such a paradigm change? Do I even deserve to have it?
I'm not sure.
Questions questions. Life is full of them and when you answer one a million more pop up that are impossible. To those that take joy in solving problems this is like a smorgasborg, but to those that desire answers, this is a kind of hell.
Funny because I love to solve problems and love to get answers...but I'm not a masochist.
Just a conundrum
Will you grock me in wholeness and fullness?
---------------------------------------------------------------- | | |
|
