|
| So I'm thinkingI've been on xanga for 5 years and my blogs have thinned. I don't know if I should continue or not.
You know what....something interesting happened when I came to cali and I graduated. And I am starting to understand just WHAT happened and WHY my reaction to it caused me to change, a kind of 180 degrees in terms of personality.
I perceived that graduating...getting a B.S., mean not that I HAD to suddenly grow up, but that I WAS grown up. *Snap*...like that, and then I'm an adult. No use for dreams, naivety, or any of the creative thinking that I'd come to wrap myself around. Gone were the days of thinking that I would BE or DO something important and here were the days of the doldrums toiling in a tiny office or lab with no escape. The onset of a carreer but also a clipping of wings and a loss of creativity. No more room for childish ruminations or flights of fancy, instead only things that mattered.
So I kind of rebelled...cultivating, for myself, an almost extreme version of my younger self. Essentially a different person that I could slip into in order to connect with those younger than me and effectively escape the toils of my extremely boring adult life. But now I'm understanding the consequences of said person. As he does not put too much thought into basic respect and into the consequences of his actions, seeing things too simply. It is weird because, for a time, I began not just to ACT like him but THINK like him. Becoming extremely elated at times, but deeply confused at certain peoples' negative reactions. But deep down I understood...always...
You know I think ALOT. Maybe this is pompous of me to beleive this, but most certainly more than most. I purposely don't hold strong beleifs which makes my ideas really difficult to defend, but I still spend a lot of time carefully cultivating them. When not preoccupied with an impending physics problem, and outside the presence of an attractive woman ( brain function decreases with the inverse square of distance times attractiveness...like coulombs law...) I divide my deductive energy between 3 things: how people work and the meaning of being human, how I can better relate with them (especially how to get someone to fall in love with me), and the general workings of the universe. I won't state concretely if or how I assign an importance to each subject I ponder, just that I do ponder them.
The first has, of late, become very difficult, because my social situation is so different. I'm older, with different expectations responsibilities but also freedom, yet everyone else is younger and more obvlivious to the world outside of california. How do such people work, and how do I achieve and interact with them??? This is the first situation where I have to room to beleive in myself, and be confident in who I am and what I stand for, but ATM I'm choosing to eschew that in favor of being open to other Ideas. Is this correct? Does humility come at the cost of confidence? Or is it a necessary part of it? People have different priorities here. It has become VERY apparent that the economy here is much more alive than in certain parts back east (Sans of course the MAJOR population centers such as new york). What is more, the idea of being Financially independent is much less important to most than it is to me. That is really a nice way of saying a lot of people are supported by parents and family, than me who laments in the fact that everything I currently pay for is done with money I currently earn. However, this puts me in a much more frugal situation with very little reason why (because I don't want to flaunt said independence). As such a fiend myself, more often than not, being the needy one, especially with regards to transportation. Finally the culture is so different in many ways. In cali the geeky are REALLY geeky, almost disgustingly so, and those that aren't are almost oblivious. I find I most converse about more apparent and pertinent things rather than delve deeply into shared interests. Too some extent it seems that the eccentricism that I was easily able to find over east is looked down on here. I wonder than, if I make some of my loves and hobbies more apparent, will people be intrigued or uninterested? Perhaps I shall try.
In truth, it is becoming tiring sacrificing portions of myself to connect with people, and I don't think it is working in the way I want it to. Many people MANY, like me, some don't. But I feel as though there is so much inside that they don't know, and I'm afraid to tell them because it will make me too different. I'm already different, my speach, thoughts, hopes, desires, attire, occupation, ethinicity, musical taste, hobbies, philosophy, age, upbringing, hometown, and even style of walking are something NO ONE I KNOW comes close to having. I do not tell people this...not often. But I pay an EXTREMELY high price for my uniqueness. It causes me to live a life unwanted solitude, and to be forever misunderstood. And it seems that there is no solution. No escape. And the best I can do is try to find happiness when I can. But can such a paradigm change? Do I even deserve to have it?
I'm not sure.
Questions questions. Life is full of them and when you answer one a million more pop up that are impossible. To those that take joy in solving problems this is like a smorgasborg, but to those that desire answers, this is a kind of hell.
Funny because I love to solve problems and love to get answers...but I'm not a masochist.
Just a conundrum
Will you grock me in wholeness and fullness?
---------------------------------------------------------------- | | |
| Note to selfNot real blog.
Will expand later.
Two wishes.
Big small.
Smaller than a wisper.
More grandiose than the milky way.
Why do things seem so beautiful when they are far away?
Maybe not.
Not to self.
My daydreams are too tragic.
Am I too nice
Too romantic?
Note to self
expand later
Goodbye.
Good night
But I will not sleep.
Edit: Stuff I know I won't remember.
I've been having this nagging feeling lately, and I just came accross away of explaining it. I think I feel dead, or at least as in some sort of afterlife. Now I know this may sound grim, but I see it in a different way.
I have not been here long and so much has changed. New friends, new settings, new life.
However I realize that, what has been nagging me so much is my disconnection with my old life. It seems that everyone I've ever known has been lost to some abyess, and if it wasn't for facebook, I'll never keep in touch with them. Yet in the same sense, there is still this imprint of my old life. I.E. my memories and experiences are still with me. I still have old thoughts and feeling that in some senses overtake my current perceptions. So while everything has in a sense rebooted, gone back to 0. I am still whole.
The kicker, right now, is that my new life is so much like my old. Being a physics grad student isn't all that much different from the last years of undergrad. I guess because their both mindnumbingly intense. So it feels as though I'm in the same world I should have left. Perhaps the best way of explaining this is that it is almost as if I'm living in my own past but with a different setting...like I jumped dimensions.
Which is why I feel dead. So often...to often, am I finding myself coming to situations I've done before, or people I've already met...even if, in reality, they are completely new. So much is not surprising, and I can see everything coming. I'm not saying this is a bad thing. I'm like a character in a movie he's already seen. I guess the big question is, does said character change the ending to fit his wishes or realize that all of his actions will move him, inexorably, to a fate that is set in stone? Also, what then happens when said movie ends?
Maybe that's when I'll be born.
I actually laughed out loud to that one, or maybe its because I got a chance to use the word "inexorably".
On a side note.
Shauni Shauni, I'm dissapointed in you. I'm starting to think you like me too much, or too little. I feel I must tell you something, though I know you don't know who you are...as much as I wish you did. Anyway, I came across a realization. One of the reasons you are so special is that we will spend a considerable amount of time together, and we're both at a point in our lives when things will change very quickly. So please, I urge you...Don't push me away or pull me too close. I'm too complicated. Like a quantum particle, if you hold me tightly in one spot, you'll never know which way I'll go next. Just know that I'll be there when you spread your wings, and that's what matters. Anyway...this will be the last time I adderss you directly. It's kind of against policy--like an author talking to his characters.
EDIT:
One more thing...Shauni. You are helping me understand what confidence is. I think the trick is to actually beleive you have it. Why is it so hard for me to grok that?
....
Always longer than I expect.
You know there are people that earn money doing this?
Anyway I won't properly close.
Remember there are things I must expand on.
The next entry will be more coherent... like a laser beam.
Oh
Note to self
Obama == sigma (m,n): A_0 + (A_m)Hype + (A_n)Hope
| | |
| empty stanceThere is a stance in wushu that requires you to balance on leg, while looking as if your on two. You face forward, keeping your hips alinged with your shoulders, and thrust your right palm forward while keeping your left hand pack and closed as if it is picking a cherry. It is powerful and elegant and almost resembles a ying-yang. I think my life is like that stance.
I think my life is split right now between being a grad student and becoming socially accustomed to CA and UC Riverside. In my one palm I have the responsibilities of preparing to be a PhD student, the homework, studying, and general stress of class. In the other I have VSA, CMAC, and all of the friends I have. In the middle is me. Balancing, increasingly more painful. The more I hold this stance, the more difficult it becomes, and the more doubt I have. But also the more confident I get. However, at any point in time, I feel as though it could all come crashing down.
I guess that's what being attitude is. It's funny. It's crazy. It's bloody fun. I know I can fail, but 'I know that I can do it. The resolve of a Jedi.
<;~*|*~;>
I become so lost in thought about Shauni today that I almost collapsed. I actually took time to decide if I'm going to fall in love with her. It's so tempting, but also one of those stupid habits that I've certainly left behind. I wonder if this is normal, to think about a person, and not know what you want from them. I actually thought about how I do things. Told myself that there are women, more beautiful, interesting, and better fitting than she. And that succeeding in pursuing them would be more happy than almost fruitlessly going after her.
Oh wonder if I could create something with her. I have no Idea. I know she's going to do some amaing things, but I do to. The thing is I don't know who, between us, has more potential. because, you know, I'm beleiving in myself. Time will tell, and maybe I will put this up on one of my resolves.
Maybe afterwards, after we make this awesome thing. I'll make it my resolve to fall in love with her.
Only someone too romantic for his own good would enjoy that he makes simple things too complicated and difficult.
| | |
| Life is incredibly unfairI'm knee deep in graduate level physics homework...
And my roomy is having a bloody threesome...loudly. | | |
| two things I should add1.
Recently I came to an epiphany, which made me want to blog about shauni in the first place.
I'll start by saying that I could fall into her eyes. They are dark and very sad, but it makes it twice as worthwhile when she smiles. YES I KNOW THATS A CLICHE, but hey somethings are beautiful for a reason. I notice that too often she will come at a loss for words, and use her smile as a response. Kind of like a conversational get out of bail free card. The sad thing is that it works, as if people can be satisfied with just extracting a smile from her, rather than \something with actual substance to it. It makes me wonder if she's aware if she has this kind of effect on people.
Anyway recently I captured a memory of her, and vivid detail, and she wasn't smiling. In fact nothing about her expression or compusure was very enjoyable at all, rather it was all blank. Not really emotionless...more calm, and even a little perplexed, like she was both confused and curious about what she was looking at...that thing being me. Which makes me wonder if I have that affect on people. Anyway, she has sad eyes, which makes it a sad memory, the kind that you try to forget but secretly don't want to. It teaches me something. That even people who can seem like they are above me, may still try to find it hard to comprehend me. So I alone can, in my mind, bring them down to earth. sigh, I shouldn't encourage myself...
2.
As much as I love my new friends. I'll NEVER forget my previous ones. Everyone from the East, ROCH, DE,and my wonderful family. They made me what I am today, and gave me more than I deserve or hope. Nothing can replace them and nothing should, and I'm glad to have known them. Really a priviledge.
Okay that is all.
I can sleep now. `
| | |
|
